Sometimes I wonder were miscommunications the reason behind the fact that my feelings were never reciprocated by Kritika or was this first love of mine destined to crumble.
Every friend of mine (whom I considered experienced) advised me to talk with her and spend more time with her, but I knew that I won’t be able to do so, usually when I talked to her I got self-conscious and would often forget the topics I would bring up in our conversations, besides every time it was I who had to initiate our talks and this made me strongly believe that she had no interest in talking with me.
After my confession with Kritika that I liked her, I asked one of these ‘experienced’ friends of mine to help me out. He advised me to talk to her and I should carefully watch her expressions while the conversations go on.
I knew what he meant.
“Kritika, I wanted to talk about something.” The class was almost empty. Kritika always arrived school early so to talk to her I too had to reach school early that day, with lesser people around I felt a little less nervous.
“What is it?” She looked up at me with her eyes blank, I could see that she knew what was I going to say.
“Well I wanted to talk about what I said to you… that I like you.”
She lowered her face and started staring at her book. I couldn’t see her face clearly, I had to see and interpret every expression of her, so to accomplish this I took a step back and stooped forward to get a proper view of her face. I felt so weird doing it, she must have noticed it too. What would she think about me?
I had to be more clear regarding the topic, I asked her, “What do you think?”
Her head went up and she looked at me, I stood up straight. What a stupid I was!
“I heard what you said that day,” she said, her expressions conveyed that she wasn’t enjoying this chat (I chickened).
“You said that you knew… ,” I made her remember.
She smiled, “Anyone would have guessed that, you behaved so weird. That day, the first day you approached me I kind of knew what you were gonna say.”
She was smiling was that a good thing?
Something inside me nudged me to go on, I had to know that did she approve of this love of mine?
“Smart girl,” I smirked.
“Bet, I am,” she was smiling wider. People’s faces tend to change dramatically when their lips stretch with mirth, this pleasant face in front of me grew even beautiful when she smiled.
I was so glad that I loved this girl but somewhere inside me I knew that these luscious feelings that I enjoyed were similar to the fresh rose that eventually whither away. I couldn’t possess this joy, this smile… this girl.
For just once I wanted her to love me as much as I loved her, I sobbed inside myself for I knew this craving of mine won’t ever be satiated, I was glad that we breathed the same air. I inhaled deep to have most of her essence in the atmosphere inside me.
“May I ask you something?” I could feel my face hardening.
“Yeah,” she tried to sound joyous but the tension was very evident.
“What do you think about my love?”
“What should I say, it’s entirely your choice, I do not feel anything like that, I like you but not like that.”
I felt being slapped hard, her every word stung, so this passion was one sided indeed. I couldn’t speak any further, I wanted to collapse and mourn.
She must have seen the lovelorn-expression I wore, “Hey don’t sulk, I am sorry.”
Why was she so good? She apologized for she did not love me! Was she just being kind or she genuinely felt bad looking at my broken-self.
To be honest I had a gut feeling that she would deny but still I had asked.
“Friendzone me as much as you want, I will never stop trying,” I said flashing a fake smile.
“Keep trying.” She smiled playfully
I walked away from her after that.
I had lied that day, I did stop trying. I had lost. I am not sure if you can turn off the love but you can surely suppress it, although the pain would make itself felt but the frequency gradually decreases.
From that day I started ignoring her and as usual she didn’t initiate.
The end, I guess.