I had the number of the girl I desired, but not the courage to put up a conversation with her. After having typed ‘Hi Kritika’ and deleting every single character for innumerable times, I gave up. Teenage lovers are the most moody people you can find on the façade of earth, I waited for a spasm of desperate-confidence to hit me.
After living a forlorn life for a month, one day while watching a romcom my inside longed for Kritika to an intense level. I wasn’t in control of myself I watched as my hands grabbed my phone out of my pocket and my fingers typed ‘Hi Kritika, are you free to chat?” And miraculously not going for the backspace button they hit the send button.
Baffled and afraid I waited for an answer.
Kritika: Hey Ayur, yeah sure.
I am sure that I was beaming brighter than anything, I felt joyous for she not only was willing to talk to me but she also had saved my number. Love often overreacts.
Me: Look at this.
I sent her the picture of the chart I was assigned to prepare for the class.
Kritika: Quite a chart!!!
Me: What are you doin??
Kritika. Nothing just solving some progression probs.
Me: Hmm… Am I disturbing u?
Kritika: Nope I can multitask.
Me: May be you are a special one. At least for me u are!!!
As soon as I hit the send button after this message, I read it once again and had a sort of heart attack. I thought I has crossed lines (I wasn’t a bit experienced with topics regarding girls).
After an excruciatingly long one minute I receive a message.
Kritika: Okay, tell me the formula of Harmonic progression.
I exhaled loudly, relieved I typed:
I was sort of good at mathematics, I was proud of myself.
I wanted to chat further but I wasn’t sure if she did, I was afraid to come across her as a despo-boy, bothering her.
It was quite strange that we often messaged each other but at school she wouldn’t even nod to acknowledge me. One day while we were chatting I asked her,
Me: It is so very strange that we talk virtually but not in physical realm.( I talked in this way with her to appear very philosophical and poetic).
Kritika: Hmm… Yeah u are right.
That is when I freaked out and changed the topic because the result of this talking would have been I approaching her, and I am not sure why but approaching her now I felt too nervous and sweaty. One of the truths was that every time we had a (virtual) conversation, it was I who initiated it, I sometimes concluded that she wasn’t interested to talk, I was just forcing her to type, I felt bad.
The slowest torture that people willingly give themselves up for is love. Two months had passed since I had seen Kritika and from that day my heart rocked in constant turmoil. This love story of mine I think is the most silent and the slowest. The way I drag myself through everyday made me feel sick. I wasn’t sure what had happened to me, I wasn’t sure what did I want, I wasn’t sure would I ever be able to feel like myself again.